Elizabeth

all_she_knows @ 2007-01-22T16:07:00

2007-01-22T21:17:02Z

I am playing Text Twist on yahoo but the only words I can think to spell are the cynical ones. It give me creative energy though, to put somewhere, at least this feeling is good for something. I'm slipping back, but mostly into depression, nothing else, hopefully I am too far from that. One missed call, it says, from a restricted number and I hope it was him. I want so bad for him to be the one who called and for me to be the one not there this time. I can't be cynical though, I probably just expect to much from people. I should lower my expectations to nothing. It's snowing and when I drive past your house is dismal weather I think of that not so dismal day. How did we get here, now. How did time pass so quickly, I didn't even see it coming. I went to sit on top of Mt. Skinner the other day and no one was there, it seemed so lonely. I need to think, there is just too much on my mind right now. I want to hit everyone and then hit the bottle. I can't, I won't. I am not so sure if I still love you or if I just miss how everything used to be. Either way I'm still missing something.

all_she_knows @ 2007-01-22T15:16:00

2007-01-22T20:17:45Z

Three years ago were were those naive little 8th graders sitting in computer class making LJs because someone had told us they were the cool new thing. I think that someone was Callie, I don't know though. I don't know if we are all even friends anymore even though we thought we always would be. I am no die-hard musician on the fast track to stardom, Miche is no Olympic gymnast, Rose is no internationally known horse person, and CJ is no movie star, but I don't talk to her anymore, so I don't know. I think those ties were lies, I suppose they all are though, aren't they. We are no more attatched or linked to one another than we are to someone on the other side of the world. I think we lost something along the way, each other maybe, or ourselves or something, either way I don't see how it can mean anything really. If I could go back though, I'd do it all again, even if we all ended up in different places like we are now. I look at everyone now, in their pictures, in perosn, on their myspaces, and they seem so happy and perfect with their new friends and boyfriends, I feel like I'm intruding. I need to find my place somewhere soon because I've come to think that everything seems so much more beautiful without me.

all_she_knows @ 2006-12-29T23:59:00

2006-12-30T05:07:10Z

I am cold, freezing cold, and shaking so violently I can't stop. I'll slip up, just for a moment. Just one more time and I can't stop. Shaking violently, uncontrollably, I can't stop anymore, I need this to stay alive. I, I, am stuttering now, breathing heavily, my heart keeps stopping, I can't stop shaking and coughing, my chest has hard, sharp pains piercing through it like knives through my heart. I can't tell if it is because of the emotional reality I am now forced to deal with, face to face, or the physical lack of what has so far seemed to help keep me alive and going. I am deprived to the point that it is almost as bad as the mind-altering substances themselves. Just once more and I can't stop, Just once more and I can't stop. Forget once more.
Can you help me I'm bent,
I'm so scared that I'll never get put back together.

all_she_knows @ 2006-12-27T14:11:00

2006-12-27T19:16:16Z

I am cold and shaky. Twitchy some, but mostly the former. I am trying so hard, Christmas is done with, I can go back any time, but I want to make it to New Years, maybe then I can stop for good. Oh, but it is so alluring and inviting. Who new you could have such a longing lust for something so inhuman and artificial. At least it's something that makes me happy, if only temporarily, it's more than anyone else in my life can say. I guess it is mostly me but you can't ignore that it is partly them. Whatever, fuck this, I need something again.
Forget. Forget. Forget.

all_she_knows @ 2006-12-23T21:59:00

2006-12-24T03:13:30Z

I am shaky and angry and alone. I want to do it because right now things hurt. But I can't. It's the least I can do for them for Christmas. If I make it through Christmas maybe I will just let myself slip once or twice or a million more times If I can get my hands on that much numbness.
I talked to Kay the other day and she said, "No offense, but what are you on?" I lied and said nothing anymore. I don't think she believed me because the next day JB asked me if I was on drugs, I said no, what a ridiculous idea. But he said he got the idea from Kay, I told him not to believe everything he hears, she is probably a liar. I am a lying, decieving hipocrite, but I promised this would be my thing, it will not touch, affect or hurt anyone around me, never, I know too well how that feels. So, I suppose I will have to be that way for now.
Just two more days until Christmas is over, I slipped up the other day, but I figured it was far enough away from Christmas anyway. Despite my cravings, however, and the excessive amounts of fattening food, I must admit I enjoy this time of year and I will be sad when it is over. It makes me feel lighter and happier and it's a lot more fun than any other time of year. I also like Christmas music and all of the holiday movies. Well, Happy Christmas eve, almost anyway. Or Happy Hannukah if you are Jewish. I suppose I should just say Happy Holidays in general to maintain political correctness, so there it is, Happy Holidays.

all_she_knows @ 2006-12-21T14:46:00

2006-12-21T19:57:15Z

It started because I can't control myself, I can't control anything, I needed something to control it for me. So one pill, just one pill, but one is not enough. Two, yes, two is better but three is so good, until four. Four is a little too many and five can kill you so I'll stick to four for now. I promised it would be my thing, I will not be the one that ruins everyone else because of her habits, so I keep it to myself. Until it hurts someone, then I stop. But I can't stop, I can't stop, so I binge on whatever I can get but not pills because they hurt people. But pills come back with everything else eventually. It has gotten so bad though, now, I am so bad. I didn't want to end up like this, it was just to hold me over for a little while, it was just to keep me alive, but now I can not live without it. I am trying to stop, I swear I am getting better, but now I am shaky and I can't take it. So I will slip up just for now until thinks blow over, but just one, just one. It is not the drugs that will kill me it is life.

all_she_knows @ 2006-07-03T01:57:00

2006-07-03T06:00:53Z

I just got out of the shower after a night at the drive in movies with the family and some friends.

I got out of dinner again, I told my mum I had a late lunch, which waan't a complete lie, I did have a slace of bread around 4:00 or 5:00. I didn't exercize as much today, onl when my parents weren't home. I find it weird to do when they're around, so I jsut don't eat so I don't have to exercize.

My mum's freind Anita brought us some sort of Oreo snack things. I ate it because I didn't want her to think I wasn't appreciative. I regretted it afterward. Even though it was only a few bites I felt bloated and fat afterward. I missed that empy hungry feeling, the one that feels as though you are so hungry you're being sucked inward, as sick as it sounds I've come to enjoy it when I don't eat for a while.

I'm tremendously tired, although I'm usually wide awake around this time of night. I feel a bit woozy and tired so I'll go to bed now. Tomorrow my mum will be home again and I will be going to a 4th of July pool party. I don't think I'll eat tomorrow either.

all_she_knows @ 2006-07-02T14:28:00

2006-07-02T19:14:02Z

I feel like someone is trying to talk me out of this all the time.

I went to JS's house last night and we just hung out and watched a weird lifetime movie about some girl with bulimia. J just went on about how gross it was and how she'd never let one of her friends do that. She looked at me when she said it, I told her I was just exercising. It wasn't a lie.

I told my parents I'd eat at J's and I told J I ate with my parents, but she made something anyway and told me to eat a little. She mentioned something about me working out to much and getting too thin but I told her it was just stress. I just didn't feel like eating last night, I wasn't hungry.

When I got home I felt so sick and bloated from eating I went for a jog and did 300 crunches just to burn off the three or four noodles I ate. I did it automatically out of habit, it's kind of addicting actually, working out all the time, like a drug but less dangerous and much less illegal. Running is like a high.

I wonder, if it is possible to become addiceted to working out, to counting calories only to burn them off.

Dee said she was trying to lose weight "the healthy way." I said I was too. She told me not to take it personally, that it wasn't a stab at me but it sounded pretty stabby to me.
Especially when she told me it wasn't.

Pat said I shouldn't worry, that I have a fast metabolism it will just burn off by itself. Somehow I don't see it that way. He said I should stop, go running now and then but leave it at that. I can't, I can't, I can't.

I don't think they see I am trying to be healthy.
At least I eat, unlike last time.
At least I don't throw up, unlike last time.

all_she_knows @ 2006-06-29T10:58:00

2006-06-29T15:01:09Z

White Chocolate Drink: 280
Banana: 70
Workout: -350
Total: 0

Perfect.

all_she_knows @ 2006-06-22T16:34:00

2006-06-22T20:56:33Z

I'm restless, I don't know if anyone realizes it but I feel like I'm going insane with this. I feel like I need to get out and away from all these thing holding me down or holding me back. I want to get out and play music and have people listen to it and get something out of it. I want to change completely be someone totally new and different. I have this burning feeling inside me, I need to get out here, I need to get out and see the world, meet new people, just be myself instead of myself-trapped-in-this-town-with-these-friends-and-these-people-with-this-life. I am discontent with how things are running here, I want so badly to just run away, on my own, write some music, hit the bigtime but this place seems to keep pulling me back and stopping me from this. I saw this girl the other day, she has a new EP out and she's only 15, only fifteen! I'm 15, almost sixteen, I don't know where my life is going with this but I need to get out of here or I'll never be living the life I want. I want to be that girl on the stage rocking out with her guitar having the time of her life, I want that to be me.
I tried on a pair of pants the other day, they used to fit me but now they don't. It's summer already and I realize I'm getting fat and I can't let that happen, so I started working out again. I watched what I ate all day, and worked it all off this afternoon. It makes me sick to think that I'm only doing this to look like the anorexic models on the cover of magazines, but I know it's true. I don't want to be the girls with fat thighs or gross cellulite, I want to be beautiful in the eyes of someone and the fact that I can't fit into my size 5 jeans anymore doesn't help.
So I have two main goals for the summer, Get leaner and run away. This restlessness is taking over me, I need to get out and away before I explode, I need to see London and Paris and Rome and everywhere else in the world, I need to meet new and interesting people and try new and exciting things. I'm going to Greece this summer, so that could help with my restlessness, however it's with all of these people I know, all of the same people I spend every day with and I'm sick of that. I would really like to visit England as well, I've always had some sort of mysterious attraction to it.

all_she_knows @ 2006-05-11T17:07:00

2006-05-11T21:22:40Z

I abhor the fact that whenever I show any sort of feeling I'm seen as some sort of overdramatic dunderhead, yet when anyone else has the same problem everyone jumps to help them. I feel rejected, and here we go again with this overdramatic quality everyone seems to believe I have, I assure you I don't, this is really how it's happeneing, I do not lie. I just want someone to realize, despite the tough act I put on, that I'm still human and need some sort of affection.

I've noticed lately I've been getting sharp pains in the left side of my chest where I can't breathe for a little while, my mum says they are most likely just panic attacks, probably. I finally got up the courage to tell someone I had social anxiety disorder the other day and they just said "Oh really?" as though it wasn't important. I don't think they really understand anything about it, let alone how scared I was of someone finding out I had it and thinking I was a freak, they just made it seem as though I was just imagining it or that it wasn't a "real" disorder. It made me feel a lot more self-conscious about the fact. I'm beggining to feel as though I should jsut close myself off from everyone, build myself a brick wall to conceal myself from the outside world seeing as they never seem to care whenever I let my emotions show. Screw emotions from now on.

In other news I am rather excited for summer. I'm still a bit self conscious about the scars on my arms and back but the ones on my arms are fading and I am hoping to get some scar creame for the ones on my back. I am rather anxious/nervous about it all however, I don't want to end up alone again this summer. I wan't to mkae new friends, have a summer fling, get over lost loves, start over almost new. This is my summer for renewal, self-discovery, and self-improvement. I just hope it is as great as I anticipate it to be.

all_she_knows @ 2006-04-25T19:00:00

2006-04-25T23:07:54Z

I found out someone close to me is afraid to tell her friends, including me, what is going on. I'm afriad she will become like me, too afriad to tell anyone who she really is. I thought friends were the people you were supposed to go to for help on anything, not strangers, but it seems as though strangers are the only ones who can give you a real, honest, non-judgemental opinion nowadays. I don't want people to think I can't be trusted with something serious, I can be, I deal with serious things all the time, I just never tell anyone. They would be too weirded out or wouldn't believe me. I guess we are all just the same though because now that I think about what she's doing I realize I do the same thign every day, run away. I don't want to be so afraid anymore.

all_she_knows @ 2006-04-23T18:55:00

2006-04-25T23:00:09Z

I love my mum and dad very much, and although I'm in high school I still like to call them mummy and daddy sometimes, and every day I make another adult descision, I become more and more scared of growing up. I don't know why I feel this way, I just don't want to lose anyone I love anymore.

I never told anyone who he really was to me, I thought at the time they would think I was just being an overdramatic fool, now, I don't think they'd believe me.

all_she_knows @ 2006-04-17T18:37:00

2006-04-25T22:45:39Z

I secretly cut out pictures of what I consider to be the best-looking skinny models in Teen Vogue and hade them under my bed to take out only when I excersize. I use them for my motivation.