[22 Jan 2007|04:07pm] [ music | Beautiful Wreck - Shawn Mullins ] I am playing Text Twist on yahoo but the only words I can think to spell are the cynical ones. It give me creative energy though, to put somewhere, at least this feeling is good for something. I'm slipping back, but mostly into depression, nothing else, hopefully I am too far from that. One missed call, it says, from a restricted number and I hope it was him. I want so bad for him to be the one who called and for me to be the one not there this time. I can't be cynical though, I probably just expect to much from people. I should lower my expectations to nothing. It's snowing and when I drive past your house is dismal weather I think of that not so dismal day. How did we get here, now. How did time pass so quickly, I didn't even see it coming. I went to sit on top of Mt. Skinner the other day and no one was there, it seemed so lonely. I need to think, there is just too much on my mind right now. I want to hit everyone and then hit the bottle. I can't, I won't. I am not so sure if I still love you or if I just miss how everything used to be. Either way I'm still missing something. POST - ADD - EDIT}

[22 Jan 2007|03:16pm] Three years ago were were those naive little 8th graders sitting in computer class making LJs because someone had told us they were the cool new thing. I think that someone was Callie, I don't know though. I don't know if we are all even friends anymore even though we thought we always would be. I am no die-hard musician on the fast track to stardom, Miche is no Olympic gymnast, Rose is no internationally known horse person, and CJ is no movie star, but I don't talk to her anymore, so I don't know. I think those ties were lies, I suppose they all are though, aren't they. We are no more attatched or linked to one another than we are to someone on the other side of the world. I think we lost something along the way, each other maybe, or ourselves or something, either way I don't see how it can mean anything really. If I could go back though, I'd do it all again, even if we all ended up in different places like we are now. I look at everyone now, in their pictures, in perosn, on their myspaces, and they seem so happy and perfect with their new friends and boyfriends, I feel like I'm intruding. I need to find my place somewhere soon because I've come to think that everything seems so much more beautiful without me. POST - ADD - EDIT}

[29 Dec 2006|11:59pm] [ mood | crazy ] I am cold, freezing cold, and shaking so violently I can't stop. I'll slip up, just for a moment. Just one more time and I can't stop. Shaking violently, uncontrollably, I can't stop anymore, I need this to stay alive. I, I, am stuttering now, breathing heavily, my heart keeps stopping, I can't stop shaking and coughing, my chest has hard, sharp pains piercing through it like knives through my heart. I can't tell if it is because of the emotional reality I am now forced to deal with, face to face, or the physical lack of what has so far seemed to help keep me alive and going. I am deprived to the point that it is almost as bad as the mind-altering substances themselves. Just once more and I can't stop, Just once more and I can't stop. Forget once more. Can you help me I'm bent, I'm so scared that I'll never get put back together. POST - ADD - EDIT}

[27 Dec 2006|02:11pm] [ music | Heart Shaped Box - Nirvana ] I am cold and shaky. Twitchy some, but mostly the former. I am trying so hard, Christmas is done with, I can go back any time, but I want to make it to New Years, maybe then I can stop for good. Oh, but it is so alluring and inviting. Who new you could have such a longing lust for something so inhuman and artificial. At least it's something that makes me happy, if only temporarily, it's more than anyone else in my life can say. I guess it is mostly me but you can't ignore that it is partly them. Whatever, fuck this, I need something again. Forget. Forget. Forget. POST - ADD - EDIT}

[23 Dec 2006|09:59pm] [ mood | jealous ] [ music | Charlie Brown Christmas CD ] I am shaky and angry and alone. I want to do it because right now things hurt. But I can't. It's the least I can do for them for Christmas. If I make it through Christmas maybe I will just let myself slip once or twice or a million more times If I can get my hands on that much numbness. I talked to Kay the other day and she said, "No offense, but what are you on?" I lied and said nothing anymore. I don't think she believed me because the next day JB asked me if I was on drugs, I said no, what a ridiculous idea. But he said he got the idea from Kay, I told him not to believe everything he hears, she is probably a liar. I am a lying, decieving hipocrite, but I promised this would be my thing, it will not touch, affect or hurt anyone around me, never, I know too well how that feels. So, I suppose I will have to be that way for now. Just two more days until Christmas is over, I slipped up the other day, but I figured it was far enough away from Christmas anyway. Despite my cravings, however, and the excessive amounts of fattening food, I must admit I enjoy this time of year and I will be sad when it is over. It makes me feel lighter and happier and it's a lot more fun than any other time of year. I also like Christmas music and all of the holiday movies. Well, Happy Christmas eve, almost anyway. Or Happy Hannukah if you are Jewish. I suppose I should just say Happy Holidays in general to maintain political correctness, so there it is, Happy Holidays. POST - ADD - EDIT}

[21 Dec 2006|02:46pm] It started because I can't control myself, I can't control anything, I needed something to control it for me. So one pill, just one pill, but one is not enough. Two, yes, two is better but three is so good, until four. Four is a little too many and five can kill you so I'll stick to four for now. I promised it would be my thing, I will not be the one that ruins everyone else because of her habits, so I keep it to myself. Until it hurts someone, then I stop. But I can't stop, I can't stop, so I binge on whatever I can get but not pills because they hurt people. But pills come back with everything else eventually. It has gotten so bad though, now, I am so bad. I didn't want to end up like this, it was just to hold me over for a little while, it was just to keep me alive, but now I can not live without it. I am trying to stop, I swear I am getting better, but now I am shaky and I can't take it. So I will slip up just for now until thinks blow over, but just one, just one. It is not the drugs that will kill me it is life. POST - ADD - EDIT}

[20 Dec 2006|05:33pm] It is so hard, so hard when it feels so good. So good. So good to just slip away because you know you will never get out. So good. So good to go numb because you can't feel anything else anyway. It doesn't hurt so much anymore, nothing can hurt you anymore. Numb warmth surrounds you, slipping into yourself and the smoke swirling around you. Reality, what is reality? It is running through your veins, that sweet, sweet smell, that sweet, sweet sound, that sweet, sweet euphoria. Numb. Who? What? Where? When? Why? Who cares. It doesn't matter. Numb. So numb. But you're slipping into darkness, solid darkness, you can't get out of this darkness. It is all around you, pulling you in. Help, help, help, It is so scary now. You can't do this forever anymore. It is too dark, too numb, too alluring. Artificial happiness just won't cut it anymore. Are you happy now? I can make it without this, I know I can. Breathe, just breathe. POST - ADD - EDIT}

[30 Nov 2006|05:00pm] I really need to stop, I know. I can barely breathe anymore but it has gotten to the point where it's so hard not to. Oh well its worth a try, it's not making me any better. In other news I need to get out, I need to do something bad. I'm sick of being trapped in this good-kid world. I want to stay out late or go to a party or go out with a stranger or do something unapproved of. Although, I guess its no real difference fom what I'm doing now, but I do it at home so I don't think it counts. I don't know, I'm sick of goody-goody-rule-following-whatever-crap. I want to actually be able to be the real me. Even though that sounded really lame. Whatever. Let's Party. I just want to live my own interesting life where things happen and people do things and get hurt and fall apart and get better again. I can't have a life without anything worth living for, and right now thats where I'm at. How is life supposed to teach me something If I can't make the mistakes and learn it for myself. POST - ADD - EDIT}

[24 Nov 2006|08:43pm] Maybe just once in a while. Just one more time and I can't stop. I think I have a problem. Help Me. POST - ADD - EDIT}

[02 Oct 2006|02:54pm] "But what if you are dying? What if they can fix it?" "We are all dying, love, and no one can fix it." I am so scared that this will turn out to be so much bigger than I thought it would be. POST - ADD - EDIT}

[28 Sep 2006|04:27pm] I dont want to talk about why I was sick, I don't want to talk about how I stayed up all last night, I don't want to talk about how much I exercise or why, I don't want to talk about how I am pushing everyone away, I don't want to talk about how I am eating myself alive on the inside. I want to talk about why everyone is a hypocrite, I want to talk about how people push me away, I want to talk about why I feel so fucking isolated and down so that I feel I need some sort of artificial, superficial high. The clock on my bedside table has been stuck at 12 for days, and that's exactly how I feel right now. I am stuck in the middle of time, it's passing all the time but I can't seem to see it moving, I'm stuck. I feel the same melancholy uselessness I felt after Adam died and I don't know where any of this is coming from. I want to believe in love, god, I want to believe in love so bad, but I have yet to experience it anywhere in life, not even in myself. I lied, I lied so bad, to him and JB and everyone. I don't know why I am doing this to myself or anyone else. I don't know if I am really so afraid I will end up so screwed up again or if I am afraid my recklessness is going to hurt someone someday. Or maybe I just know where I am going with all of this and I don't want anyone to react the way I think they will. Honestly I can't even decipher my own thoughts right now so I don't know how anyone else could. I just want to hit the brakes and back track, I want a do-over because I missrolled. POST - ADD - EDIT}

[23 Aug 2006|08:07pm] I don't know what I'm running from this time. Possibly everything I said I was afraid of or possibly just myself. Perhaps I am at that point where I can keep running forever or I can turn around and fix things. The only problem is I am not necessarily sure what I am running from in the first place so I have no idea what I am about to turn around and face. I think I like the running forever idea, no matter how much it sucks. I guess when it comes down to it I am just a big fat chicken. I feel kind of empty, left out, alone. I don't know why it started bothering me now, since I've always preferred that before. So I'm mulling over in my head whether or not I do have a problem and I almost wish I did because when everyone wanted to help me was really the only time I ever felt like they really cared. However I don't want people to try to help me anymore, I've had enough of that up until now. I don't want someone hounding me, I don't need someone to try to fix me when there's nothing to fix. I just want to know why I feel so screwed up right now. I just want to talk, for real, for a minute or an hour or a day, just talk to someone for once about nothing or everything. Just talk. She hangs around the boulevard She's a local girl with local scars She got home late, She got home late She drank so hard the bottle ached And she tried, and she tried, and she tried, and she tried But nothing's clear in a bar full of lies POST - ADD - EDIT}

[16 Aug 2006|07:59pm] Today I ran. I ran so far, so fast. For three hours I ran and ran and ran. I ran without my knee brace, I ran after drinking milk without lactase, I ran without any medical thing I'm supposed to run with. I ran until I lost where I was going, not to say that I knew where that was in the first place. I ran because that's all I could think of doing, that's the only way I could ever really pretend to escape. I wasn't sure really where I was going at first or why I was going there until I realized I was halfway down the road leading to his town, his house. But I stopped and remembered I can't run away to his house anymore and I wonder if this is killing me. So I kept running, a new way this time, but I still ran because I knew if I stopped I would start crying and I could feel tears stinging the backs of my eyes but I kept running all the same. I don't know why but I wanted to cry so I just ran and I ran again until I could feel my knee giving out, until I threw up all the milk I drank, until my chest burned. And I kept running, even though my knee was unraveling, even though I couldn't breathe, even though I had thrown up every last bit of what I'd eaten. I ran enough to make up for all those months of not running until I fell down in the grass and started crying and once I started I couldn't stop. And I cried enough to make up for all those years of not crying. I don't know how much I hurt, inside or out, I was too numb from the running, it was perhaps the most euphoric hell I had ever put myself through. I couldn't tell you why I was so mad, or sad, or angry, but I was, or maybe I could tell you, you just wouldn't like the answer, and I don't think I would either. I eventually hobbled home after about 3 1/2 hours, JB was there, he wanted to make sure I was okay, he thought I was mad at him. I will probably never be mad at him, he is too nice for his own good, I feel bad for not caring about him as much as he seems to care about me, for being preoccupied with everyone and everything else. Someone was having a bonfire and the smell mixed with the sweet summery air reminded me of the time we sat around the bonfire after Adam died, six kids all broken in similar ways. I miss that. Not the being broken part, the having someone to relate with part, having someone to just be with without having to worry about people, or the world, or life or anything other than here and now. I'm sore now, incredibly, and tired as well. I might go running tomorrow. Maybe to nowhere again, maybe to where I was headed today at first, or maybe to somewhere else to clear my head. I don't know. I'm going to the Cape friday so we should all hang out tomorrow, so call my cell if I'm not answering my home phone. POST - ADD - EDIT}

[28 Jul 2006|10:26am] I wonder where we are going with all this. I wonder if tomorrow I will wake up a rich girl, or still just me. I wonder if I will end up with Mike, or if I will have spent half my life trying to make up for something I can't control. I wonder what could have been or might be, I wonder if we will sit here wondering for the rest of our lives. I wonder if I will ever sit in that moment again, on the dock, watching the fireworks over the lake, just me breathing, in and out. And I was amazed to find that feeling so empty and alone could make me feel so whole. And I wonder if anyone realizes thats what I need to be happy. I wonder if I could go back in time just once, who would I save. I wonder who would be most important to me that I would spend my one trip back on them, or maybe, in all of the chaos of life, I have already saved someone that I am unaware of. Maybe I have said something that someone found meaningful in some way, maybe all the time I have spent trying to backtrack and fix things has shown someone how to fix themselves. Maybe I just like to think I saved someone even though I couldn't save my best friends. Maybe we are only 16 once and we need to take it for granted. We need to laugh too much and cry too much, take too many pictures, give too many second chances. Maybe no one really realizes we will never do this again, maybe we should try to be 16 for once, instead of 26. Maybe no one realizes we are not so invincible. Maybe the whole reason I scare people so much when I say things is because I say everything I feel. And maybe it scares people to think that everyone feels that way once in a while, even if they can't say it, or know it even. Maybe there is a little part of everyone that wishes they were thinner, or that they were loved more. Maybe everyone is a little depressed once in a while, maybe everyone has a little piece of them that longs for something dangerous or illegal and wonders what it would be like. Maybe everyone has a little piece of everything, maybe I am just the only one who will admit it. I saw Rachel the other day, before I came on vacation. I never told anyone, I didn't know what to say until now. She seemed so broken and hollow and I know it is because she still does drugs, because she still drinks, because her mother is still dead, because her dad still abuses her even though he may not realize he is doing it, because she is still not happy. I was thankful that I didn't fall into that, but it was so sad to see her like that. We shared one of those sad, "I thought I knew you once" glances and then I kept walking. And I could feel her sad, broken glance straing straight through me, and I almost cried because I wanted to walk back and hug her, I wanted to step back and help her, and maybe she wanted me to, too, but I think we both knew she is too far gone for that. And maybe, just maybe, I am too far moved on for that. And maybe I try too hard to have revelations when perhaps they are right in front of me and not quite as profound as I would like them to be. Then again, I don't think any revelation is. POST - ADD - EDIT}

[21 Jul 2006|11:44am] I'm not going to lie, the smallest part of me misses the old me, my old friends. Part of me wants to go back to those illegal friends of mine with their scent of death and dangerous smoke breathing in and out their lungs. Despite my whole straight edge view on life I miss them, despite how much I now despise everything they did, I miss it. I miss excitement, danger, I miss how scary it was to see them fall apart on a temporary high. I am not going to lie, I am still discontent and I wonder if I always will be. I am tired of starving myself to feel more hollow, I am tired of day to day mundane. I miss the bloodshot eyes and hollow faces, I miss needle marks and lingering smoke that swirls around with the dust in the air. I miss seeing someone more broken than me because here I can only see people content with themselves and I hate them for it, I want them to feel what it's like to be constantly discontent with yourself, I want them to feel what it's like to be me. I miss tasting pain on his lips, I miss feeling someone break when I hug them, I miss hugging people all together. I want to feel hollow inside, it's less painful, less emotional, I want to feed this tremendous need for something unconventional and dangerous. I have to be honest the whole reason I ate so much last night was because I hadn't eaten in so long, I never thought I would admit that I wanted to be that bulimic girl from that movie, I never thought I'd admit that I am so close, and I like it. I never wanted to admit I crave addiction of some kind so badly, and I know you'd hate to hear me say that because you've seen it and you hate it too. I want to forget for a moment, I want to blow the last rign of lingering smoke, I want to drink down pain. For now, though, I will have to make due with this addiction to thin as my temporary drug. Stop trying to save me. I can't eat, can't sleep, I hate this new, sick me. POST - ADD - EDIT}

[03 Jul 2006|01:57am] I just got out of the shower after a night at the drive in movies with the family and some friends. I got out of dinner again, I told my mum I had a late lunch, which waan't a complete lie, I did have a slace of bread around 4:00 or 5:00. I didn't exercize as much today, onl when my parents weren't home. I find it weird to do when they're around, so I jsut don't eat so I don't have to exercize. My mum's freind Anita brought us some sort of Oreo snack things. I ate it because I didn't want her to think I wasn't appreciative. I regretted it afterward. Even though it was only a few bites I felt bloated and fat afterward. I missed that empy hungry feeling, the one that feels as though you are so hungry you're being sucked inward, as sick as it sounds I've come to enjoy it when I don't eat for a while. I'm tremendously tired, although I'm usually wide awake around this time of night. I feel a bit woozy and tired so I'll go to bed now. Tomorrow my mum will be home again and I will be going to a 4th of July pool party. I don't think I'll eat tomorrow either. POST - ADD - EDIT}

[02 Jul 2006|02:28pm] I feel like someone is trying to talk me out of this all the time. I went to JS's house last night and we just hung out and watched a weird lifetime movie about some girl with bulimia. J just went on about how gross it was and how she'd never let one of her friends do that. She looked at me when she said it, I told her I was just exercising. It wasn't a lie. I told my parents I'd eat at J's and I told J I ate with my parents, but she made something anyway and told me to eat a little. She mentioned something about me working out to much and getting too thin but I told her it was just stress. I just didn't feel like eating last night, I wasn't hungry. When I got home I felt so sick and bloated from eating I went for a jog and did 300 crunches just to burn off the three or four noodles I ate. I did it automatically out of habit, it's kind of addicting actually, working out all the time, like a drug but less dangerous and much less illegal. Running is like a high. I wonder, if it is possible to become addiceted to working out, to counting calories only to burn them off. Dee said she was trying to lose weight "the healthy way." I said I was too. She told me not to take it personally, that it wasn't a stab at me but it sounded pretty stabby to me. Especially when she told me it wasn't. Pat said I shouldn't worry, that I have a fast metabolism it will just burn off by itself. Somehow I don't see it that way. He said I should stop, go running now and then but leave it at that. I can't, I can't, I can't. I don't think they see I am trying to be healthy. At least I eat, unlike last time. At least I don't throw up, unlike last time. POST - ADD - EDIT}

[29 Jun 2006|02:29pm] [ mood | drained ] I am in a crappy disposition at this point in time. I'm feeling like things are getting worse and worse with me, the more and more I try to control things the more and more they control me. I'm starving, I've been this way for the past few days, starving and exercising, starving and exercising, but it's finally starting to pay off I think. I binged today but I ended up getting sick, I noticed I'm getting a little thinner this morning and I feel like the thinner I get the thinner I want to get and the more motivated I become. I still feel fat whenever I look in the mirror, I feel lighter and the scale says I am but I can still see my bulging butt and thighs whenever I look down, I still hate the little fat I can see accumulating on my stomach artound my belly button. I told Michelle and Dacon the other night when Miche let on about her throwing up and dieting as of late, but it only makes me feel worse, like now they can see right through me when I don't finish my low-cal tiny-protion meal because I claim to be "not hungry" or "feeling sick" or when I do my workout to burn off more calories than I just ate. Now they know that it is not my attempt at being healthy or the fact that I am just not hungry, thye know it's something real. I think, though, what I really fear is that one of them will turn, despite Miche's actually bulimia herself, and tell someone, I'm really afraid someone will start to worry and I'll be sent away to some nutritionist or doctor who really doesn't know anything at all. Although, for the most part, Miche has actually been rather helpful in keeping my mind off food and more on working out, so the only one I'm really worried about is Dee, who was rather skeptical about the whole thing. On another note I'm sick of all these false promises beeing thrown around in my circle of friends lately. I want a moment of truth for one second, just someone to stand by what they say for once instead of backing out at the last second after promising for the past 4 months they wouldn't. POST - ADD - EDIT}

[29 Jun 2006|10:58am] White Chocolate Drink: 280 Banana: 70 Workout: -350 Total: 0 Perfect. POST - ADD - EDIT}

[22 Jun 2006|04:34pm] I'm restless, I don't know if anyone realizes it but I feel like I'm going insane with this. I feel like I need to get out and away from all these thing holding me down or holding me back. I want to get out and play music and have people listen to it and get something out of it. I want to change completely be someone totally new and different. I have this burning feeling inside me, I need to get out here, I need to get out and see the world, meet new people, just be myself instead of myself-trapped-in-this-town-with-these-friends-and-these-people-with-this-life. I am discontent with how things are running here, I want so badly to just run away, on my own, write some music, hit the bigtime but this place seems to keep pulling me back and stopping me from this. I saw this girl the other day, she has a new EP out and she's only 15, only fifteen! I'm 15, almost sixteen, I don't know where my life is going with this but I need to get out of here or I'll never be living the life I want. I want to be that girl on the stage rocking out with her guitar having the time of her life, I want that to be me. I tried on a pair of pants the other day, they used to fit me but now they don't. It's summer already and I realize I'm getting fat and I can't let that happen, so I started working out again. I watched what I ate all day, and worked it all off this afternoon. It makes me sick to think that I'm only doing this to look like the anorexic models on the cover of magazines, but I know it's true. I don't want to be the girls with fat thighs or gross cellulite, I want to be beautiful in the eyes of someone and the fact that I can't fit into my size 5 jeans anymore doesn't help. So I have two main goals for the summer, Get leaner and run away. This restlessness is taking over me, I need to get out and away before I explode, I need to see London and Paris and Rome and everywhere else in the world, I need to meet new and interesting people and try new and exciting things. I'm going to Greece this summer, so that could help with my restlessness, however it's with all of these people I know, all of the same people I spend every day with and I'm sick of that. I would really like to visit England as well, I've always had some sort of mysterious attraction to it. POST - ADD - EDIT}

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]